There’s something within that haunts me day and night like a reoccurring dream. It greets me in the mornings when I arise and grasps at my heart strings before I fall asleep. I’m reminded of it with each passing second. No matter what I do, wherever I go, it never leaves me. It never lets me go, squeezing so tightly to where I sometimes feel like I cannot catch my breath. I see it everywhere I turn in reflections of others, in myself. I tried to busy myself countless times with other things to forget but find that I simply cannot escape it. I run in cowardice and hope that one day He’d forgive me. I’ve been trying with all my might to drift away for the past two months. I’ve been trying to go around things, evading opportunities. I’d see it coming and would run the other direction. I’m tired of running from my calling. It’s something I can no longer contain. It’s something most wouldn’t understand. I’m burdened by something so deep that it won’t leave me alone. For me, there isn’t a day’s rest. There is no peace. There is no vacation when you’re running away. Things constantly plague my mind. Flashes of memories keep me company on still nights, and I’ve found myself in a dismal disposition. I’m stricken by the love that I have and hold so dearly. I can’t explain it. If you only knew how I felt about certain things, certain places, certain people, you just wouldn’t believe me. You’d laugh, but I’m not looking for approval. I’m not searching for validation. I just wanted a break, an escape. I wanted some time to think about things. I can’t run away from the call that beckons me to the waters. I can’t turn off the burden in my heart. I’ve tried many times to suppress it. I’ve been trying so hard, so desperately to not be what I was born to do. Why? I’ve never been one to admit fear, but for once, I’m afraid that I might actually be happy. I’m afraid to take a chance once again, throwing myself upon the waters. I’ve been there before and it was a rocky ride. I was tossed to and fro and found sinking. I never completely walked away. I never left my first love. I never will. I never let go because a part of me never will. It’s all I know. It’s the one thing in life that I’m sure of. It’s the one thing that connects my heart to His.
