Jonah

There’s something within that haunts me day and night like a reoccurring dream. It greets me in the mornings when I arise and grasps at my heart strings before I fall asleep.  I’m reminded of it with each passing second. No matter what I do, wherever I go, it never leaves me. It never lets me go, squeezing so tightly to where I sometimes feel like I cannot catch my breath.  I see it everywhere I turn in reflections of others, in myself. I tried to busy myself countless times with other things to forget but find that I simply cannot escape it. I run in cowardice and hope that one day He’d forgive me. I’ve been trying with all my might to drift away for the past two months. I’ve been trying to go around things, evading opportunities. I’d see it coming and would run the other direction. I’m tired of running from my calling. It’s something I can no longer contain. It’s something most wouldn’t understand. I’m burdened by something so deep that it won’t leave me alone. For me, there isn’t a day’s rest. There is no peace. There is no vacation when you’re running away. Things constantly plague my mind. Flashes of memories keep me company on still nights, and I’ve found myself in a dismal disposition. I’m stricken by the love that I have and hold so dearly. I can’t explain it. If you only knew how I felt about certain things, certain places, certain people, you just wouldn’t believe me. You’d laugh, but I’m not looking for approval. I’m not searching for validation. I just wanted a break, an escape. I wanted some time to think about things. I can’t run away from the call that beckons me to the waters. I can’t turn off the burden in my heart. I’ve tried many times to suppress it. I’ve been trying so hard, so desperately to not be what I was born to do. Why? I’ve never been one to admit fear, but for once, I’m afraid that I might actually be happy. I’m afraid to take a chance once again, throwing myself upon the waters. I’ve been there before and it was a rocky ride. I was tossed to and fro and found sinking. I never completely walked away. I never left my first love. I never will. I never let go because a part of me never will. It’s all I know. It’s the one thing in life that I’m sure of. It’s the one thing that connects my heart to His. 

Qué Opciones?

This past Monday, I grabbed a book, my writing journal, statistics book, and escaped to a local café to reflect. I sat outside for hours contemplating over many things. It had been such a dramatic weekend and I was determined to vacate, to get away from all that was chasing me. I found myself writing outside while the sun set in the distance on one of those classic summer nights. Many things had been streaming through my mind like ticker tape, yet all I could do was sit there in silence and write my thoughts. Smearing ink, all my emotions that I had been bottling inside came flooding out as I wrote about cutting out certain memories, things, people in my life. There’s a song that Augustana sings called  “Boston.”  It talks about moving to another town and starting over. I don’t necessarily want to move away but there are moments where I wish that  I could just start over.

Aside from all the melodramatic, “novela-like”  issues, I have been considering a few things. I’m one that plans things in advance. Yes, I’m a planner. I’ve been looking into a few schools to do my grad work. So far, I’ve been thinking of Syracuse University in New York, SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design), or University of Houston (my current school). I really like both out of state places. My dad wants me to go to New York, but I love my Houston. You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to leave but keep coming back. I love this place way too much. It’s my home and it’ll always have my heart. Tony Bennet “left his heart in San Fransisco,” I leave mine in Houston. The only difference is that I’m still here and don’t want to leave it for too long.  Who knows it’s up in the air. I still have alot of time to think it over. There are so many things that I want to do in life and am convinced that I’ll accomplish all of them. I’m determined that little issues won’t get me down, especially when I have so much to live for, so here’s to life! Live it!

Love,

Ari

Radiohead

I went to the Radiohead concert last night, which was inexplicably awesome. Aside from the rain, which I would have loved any other day, things were great. When standing in line to get in, there was a mass of people, and of all the people in the world, I got stuck standing in front of a group consisting of two girls and two guys. They had the most pointless conversation in the world. The girls talked about mindless things such as blogs, liking someone’s hair, which led to a discussion of “hair down there” and a birthday party with only cute single people. The worst part was that they were so loud in my ear with their banter that I couldn’t help but laugh. I was trying desperately hard to hold in the laughter. Well, you know me!

While waiting for the show to start, there was another group of guys in front of us that was on some kind of whacky weed. They were hilarious! I made small talk with one of the guys that was beside me (he was apart of the group). He talked about his friends and kept pointing out to his friend that “not bringing your own lighter but having cigarettes is not a Radiohead thing to do,” but they were fun. I think I even filmed them because they were just too funny. The people behind me were some awesome Hispanics. They were talking about all kinds of things in Spanish. The funny part was that one of the guys was in a band and was criticizing people as they walked by in Spanish, thinking that no one could understand him. I’m so glad that I’m bilingual. It made me laugh! Oddly, I wasn’t my normal bubbly, giggly, loud self last night due to some serious lack of sleep (what’s new) and a chill that I just couldn’t shake off. I was so cold that even after I warmed up, my muscles still ached and my bones were cold. Poor James even tried to warm me up. I just couldn’t warm up. I think something might be wrong with me. I finally warmed up right before I went to sleep, thankfully. Yeah, I’m definitely going to have to get my annual physical soon. It was seriously awesome, though. OH, the band that opened for Radiohead was HORRIBLE! They were not-so-great, but one girl in a pistachio-colored, black printed, baby doll blouse seemed to like them. She was the only one. She was seriously jamming to them. The lead singer was just odd…yes, I filmed that too! The best part for me was, later on, when Thom Yorke sang, “I don’t want to be your friend…” well if you know the song, you know the rest of the lyrics (the one I got in trouble for singing really loud in the wrong place). He about had my heart right then and there, no lie.

Cheers to a great concert!

Love,

Ari

Saudi Arabia

I don’t think I could live in Saudi Arabia and get caught by the Mutaween, religious police, for sitting at Starbucks unchaperoned. If I were in that position, without equal rights, I’d start writing some anonymous propaganda, have underground meetings, and stage a revolt. This makes me grateful to live in a place where there are freedoms in certain areas. We’re not a perfect country, but it could be worse. I’ve also been considering a minor in Latin American studies. I haven’t declared anything just yet but have strongly considered it. I stepped on a shard of glass last night while walking down a dark sidewalk. Good job, Ari. That makes it twice within the last three weeks.  Oh well,  that’s life.  Here’s to better days!

Just a few thoughts,

Ari

Estoy Completamente Feliz

I woke up this morning, eyes glazed, groggy, and icy cold from the ceiling fan. I had gotten very little sleep last night and spent the night editing photos and storing my artwork. I woke up not really wanting to go to church but forced myself out of bed anyways, slipped on my pink house slippers, and stumbled to gain my balance. It took me longer than normal to get ready, seeing as I had no idea what to wear. Once I was dressed, I sped off to church, running twenty minutes late (I’m never late). After service, I went down to Denver Harbor to visit my Guelita, my grandma. Feliz dia de las Madres! It’s Mother’s Day today, yesterday for Mexicans. As I was listening to my mother chat away with Guelita, I realized that she looks healthier than ever. She’s dying and was supposed to pass away four years ago but is still up and about. She asked me how I was doing and offered me her guest bedroom whenever I didn’t feel like making the long commute home from UH during those late nights. She knows how I used to stay really late for class and was worried about me driving half asleep. I love my Guelita. I can’t imagine my life without her, and it’s going to be different without her around. We were never really close, but I was always her favorite. I was always afraid of her. She always caught me in the heat of my mischief as a child and scolded me with a mighty Mexicana fury. It wasn’t until I got older that she really began to impact me with her sage advice and pan dulce. I’m a lucky woman.

I’m reading a few wonderful books at the moment: The Art of Life by Dan Eldon and Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi. The first book is an illustrated journal of a photographer that was one of the first people to go into Somalia. He shows all sorts of neat things and gives little stories of his experiences. It makes me extremely excited because this is exactly what I want to do since I was five years old. I’ve always wanted to photograph different places while doing my missionary work. Persepolis is about a girl growing up during the social revolution in Iran. It’s an interesting book as she discusses her studies of communism and the regime that took over Iran. The best part is that it’s formatted in a comic book theme, so it’s like reading a comic book rather than the traditional autobiographies. I’ve also begun some perusing through Alfonso Reyes’ works, especially Mexico en Una Nuez y otras nueces, which discusses Mexican history. Growing up, I was always in love with British and American literature, but lately, I’ve been enthralled with Mexican literature.

I’m dreading my seven thirty Statistics class that commences tomorrow morning. Why did I ever agree to take this class so early?

For once, I’m happy. It’s touching that my parents look at me with those glistening eyes that say, “good job.” For once in my life, I don’t mind making them proud. Cheers to a well spent weekend!

Love,

Ari

A Brave Soul

I’m working on a documentary that could possibly be two years in the making. I’m so excited about this project and have been scheming up plans, looking at different angles, it’s not like the normal films that I make. This is a serious one, which is different for me.

How do I even begin to blog this? I’m worried about two friends of mine. They are both stuck in this doldrums. I look at them and admire them and marvel at their courage, their strength. It inspires me. It makes me respect them when everyone is so quick to ridicule. I want so badly to take on their issues so that they don’t have to go through it, but how can I? They would never learn. It pricks my heart watching them go through this pain, knowing that there is nothing that I can do. The best I can do is pray. Prayer has never failed me and never will. My God has never failed me and never will.